Hell Hath No Coffee

Does anyone else ever feel like the day starts without you? A night person lost in a morning person's world? It happens to me often. While I'm still half-conscious, the rest of the world, with all it's trials and tribulations, is in full swing. One child's pull-up has leaked in the night, I forgot to set the alarm, important papers for school were not filled out, and my oldest is coughing up mucus. Welcome to my day. It's like trying to step onto a ride already in full-motion, and I'm only able to aim with the one eye I've managed to crack open. Oh, let there be coffee... I can make it if there's coffee. I hate morning.

It's honestly not my fault. I seem to have been wired this way. Not only that, but the creative muse likes to come out around 11:59 p.m. Again, not my choice. I'd much rather be sleeping than writing, trust me. But I've learned that if I don't write when the thought hits, I lose it entirely. I hate that. So, as much as I may wish that the muse and I were morning people, we're not. She shows up at that place between sleep and awake, whether I like it or not. And I must write.

Thus, I am definitely a night person. I no longer apologize for this fact. Night people are every bit as good as morning people, arguably better. We don't walk around with that smug, sun-shiney attitude at ungodly hours of the day, disturbing those who by divine design are still asleep. Night people are far more considerate than that. We would never intrude upon your early-to-bed slumber, so please don't disturb our early morning coma. We wouldn't dream of forcing our nightime creative bursts on your tired, grumpy self, so don't try to inflict us with your "happier than though" pre-coffee smiles and conversation. It's unnatural. Just let us be. Have some tolerance, man.

Night people are are nice people. We're big believers in peace. Being such, I am convinced that no where in the eternal hereafter is there an alarm clock to be found. No where. It simply cannot be. A benevolent God would never allow such a torturous device in a place of perfect peace, goodness and rest. I persoanlly look forward to this utopia.

If you're a night person, alarm clocks are from Hell. We need them to survive in a world filled with morning people, but we utterly despise them. In fact, if there is a Hell in the hereafter, I wager it's choc full of alarm clocks -- all without snooze buttons. And no coffee whatsoever. I bet they dump you out of bed before 5:00 a.m. each morning, and deny you access to that sweet nectar of life. Then they turn on a giant HDTV, continuously showing Starbucks and Dunkin' Donuts commercials filled with shiny, happy morning people. I bet it's even in smell-o-vision. And to top it off, it's all VJ'd by your former spouse, who's new position in eternity is -- the Coffee Nazi. "No coffe for you!"

That my friends, is eternal damnation. Heaven forbid.

Compared to that, existing in a morning person's world is really not so bad. I can survive, as long as there's coffee. Without it, life is Hell.