Dissing Dysfunction

This post is for my beautiful female friends who tend to choose unhealthy partners, or choose to stay with them. It’s also for every nice guy I ever dumped in my pre-therapuetic, I-only-deserve-to-be-treated-badly dating days. Please accept my sincere apologies.

When I look back over my dating history, I see not only the guys who treated me like garbage, but also all the nice guys I passed up over the years. It pains me. You see, by the time I graduated from college, I had more than just a Bachelor’s degree – I had a Master’s in dysfunctional dating. I was an expert at locking myself into relationships with emotionally unavailable men.

I remember dumping many a nice guy because there was “no chemistry,” or worse, to go back with my not-so-nice ex-boyfriend. It was almost as if there was something wrong (or just not right enough) with the guys who treated me well. If they thought highly of me and I didn’t have to try to convince them to love me, I became uncomfortable. It wasn’t that familiar old emotional roller coaster. Since I couldn’t see my own value or beauty, if they could, something didn’t gel. Surely if they really knew me, saw me without makeup, knew all about my family, etc., etc., they’d see how flawed I was and treat me with the disregard to which I was accustomed, right?

My low self-esteem and childhood yuckiness manifested as an eating disorder by the time I started Law School. I remained in the eating disorder and an unhealthy relationship (but not in Law School) for 3 years before getting help. I’m so glad I did.

After treatment I regained my sense of self and began to feel confident. So I figured I knew what I was doing when I got married less than a year later. Wrong. It was too soon. Thus, I unwittingly chose the wrong partner and lost myself all over again.

Seven years, 2 children, and one divorce later, I decided enough was enough. I would not repeat this pattern in my life again come Hell or high water. So I got back into counseling. I read like crazy. I didn’t date at all for 2 years. When my first post-divorce relationship showed red flags, I addressed them. We broke up. The pain was excruciating. But I learned. And I had more to learn. Another 2 years off…

This time around, I knew myself. I liked myself. I learned how to love myself. I knew what I would and would not tolerate in a relationship -- my “must haves” and “can’t stands,” as eHarmony puts it. I knew how I wanted to be treated, and guess what? I actually found men who behaved accordingly! Imagine that. I also found some who didn’t. But guess what else? I didn’t wait around for them to change. If a person’s actions weren’t consistent with their words, I said, “No, thank you.” If a person didn’t show the affection or attention I wanted, if they played games, or didn’t know what they wanted, I learned how to say, “Hey, thanks, it’s been fun,” and move on. I found out there are an awful lot of fish in the sea. I no longer had to buy into the fallacy that if I let go of this relationship I would be forever alone. Bull.

I see that lie played out so often among single mothers. They think have to settle because no one else will take them and their kids. How utterly absurd. I despise the notion that a single mother is somehow less valuable than a woman who’s never been married. I am a far better person for having been a mother, and if a man is one day granted the privilege of meeting my children it is only because he has earned the highest honor I could ever bestow upon him. And if he doesn’t treat it as such then he is gone. Period. I don’t care who he is, what he looks like, or how much money he makes. He’s gone. A woman and her children are precious gifts. The question is not who will take you, but rather, who is worthy of you?

I am happy to report that I now date “nice” guys. That doesn’t mean boring, unattractive, or any other derogatory term people affiliate with the word “nice.” It just means I date men who are good to me. The kind who compliment me, don’t withhold affection, are dependable, thoughtful, and above all emotionally available. The kind who would bring me the moon if I wanted it. Nice guys. Men of character.

I used to wonder if I could only feel that certain initial thrill with men who were emotionally unavailable. Did chemistry have to be instantaneous or not at all? I wanted to know, so I started dating nice guys. Occasionally I had to observe and release those “Oh, no, he’s really nice, he likes me more than I like him” thoughts (as if there was something innately wrong with that). I felt a bit like George Costanza doing the opposite thing. But it worked. I allowed my feelings to grow slowly, and guess what? There was chemistry to be found -- tons and tons of it! And open communication. I’m off the roller coaster. When I date now it feels peaceful, romantic, fun. Drama free.

So to all of you nice guys out there, don’t give up. Don’t wish you were one of the jerks. There is hope. Hold out for a girl who’s been to counseling. Women with low self-esteem will hurt you every time. They don’t mean to, they just don’t know any better. To all of the ladies I say please, please stop dating men who don’t treat you right. Take the time to deal with your stuff and break the relational patterns that bind you. You deserve better. Diss the dysfunction. Date a nice guy. It’s worth it.